The Subtle Slave: The Losing is Winning Paradox


You can’t win an argument with a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. That’s not an exaggeration, it’s a fact. You cannot and will not win. Ever.

You can’t win an argument with a person with NPD because arguing a point requires logical reasoning and a Narcissist does everything in their power to skirt logical reasoning. In fact, they are very strategically gifted at introducing logical fallacies into an argument. If their opponent recognizes the fallacy and calls them on it, they are quick to compound it with yet another fallacy.  This pattern continues until the original argument is buried so deeply in layer upon twisted layer of invalid reasoning, blame-shifting, and misdirection, that there is no hope of the opponent ever untangling it.

A Narcissist knows that it is far simpler to argue with a fallacy than to rely on the burden of true logical reasoning. They also know that if they argue long enough, that eventually they can wear their  logic-minded opponent down to the point where they choose to forfeit. Because what any logic-minded individual knows is that to continue to argue with a fool is itself the action of a fool.


Throughout the nearly-15 years of my marriage to a man with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, I fell into this trap time and time again: trying to argue my point with logic. And time and time again I found myself exhausted and utterly depleted.  Of the literal thousands of arguments I engaged in, not one did I win. NOT ONE.  You may wonder then, why in the heck I persisted to try.  There were two main reasons: 1) I didn’t understand the nature of what I was up against, and 2) I was filled to the brim with righteous indignation.

If you’ve read my previous installments in The Subtle Slave blog series, you’ll recall that for the duration of my marriage I did not recognize that my husband had a personality disorder.  I knew full well something was wrong with him – that much was painfully obvious – but what it was exactly, I could not put my finger on.  Because I had no other frame of reference, I assumed he was a normal-functioning intellectual with the capacity to empathize. And, because I had never heard of NPD nor had I encountered another person with the disorder, it did not occur to me that a person could, at times, so closely emulate decency yet have no ability to differentiate between right and wrong, good and evil.  For so many years I was left wondering if I was losing my flipping mind because the man who presented himself to the world as a thoughtful, compassionate individual was incapable of conjuring those characteristics behind closed doors.  And, when it came to arguing with him…well, let’s just say I lost long before I ever put up my dukes.

Still, knowing I had truth on my side, I tried my damnedest to get him to see the light; to get him to acknowledge the fallacy in his thinking.  I would make clear and logical points, but my engineer husband – who should have been the one with a Spock-like rationale – seemed to deflect logic like The Great Wall of China would deflect a little rubber ball.


You see, what I didn’t realize then was that arguing is a Narcissist’s superpower. They thrive on their ability to drive you to the brink of insanity.  They gain a sick sense of satisfaction watching you writhe and struggle, trying in every way possible to get them to acknowledge the truth.  But the reality of the situation is that they already know the truth…they just don’t care.  Their game is not about getting to the truth. No. Like a prize fighter, the Narcissist’s game is about getting the Knock Out. They enter the ring not necessarily expecting to throw the hardest punches but secure in their ability to endure any punches thrown at them (little rubber ball meet Great Wall of China).  They can go round after round with logical fallacy and not break a sweat. However, watching their opponent bob, weave, and perspire profusely only serves to fuel their energy.  In the end, their relentless bombardment of absurdities and their unfathomable ability to defy logical reasoning will either exhaust their opponent to the point where they break down or enrage them to the point where they explode.  As in boxing, a technical KO is still a victory.


I’m ashamed to admit that it took me as long as it did to learn how to win an argument with my NPD spouse. But, after more than a decade of losing my mind, losing my sh*t, or most typically, both, I finally cracked the code: LOSE.  And lose quickly.

In my experience, losing victoriously has been obtained by employing one of the two methods outlined below. Don’t be mistaken, in none of these scenarios will the Narcissist ever cede the victory.  They will still claim that they have won by default.  Though they may never agree, YOU will know that by preserving your dignity and your sanity, you are the true winner.  Here are the methods I suggest in order to lose victoriously:


Refusing to allow a person with NPD to begin an argument that will eventually, inevitably, and without fail lead to your demise, is likely the most effective way to take the wind out of their sails.  Nothing pisses them off more than not being allowed the opportunity to drag you onto a battlefield, pump you full of lead, and witness you slowly bleed out while they watch smugly from the bunkers.  When the Narcissist tries to strike up an argument, simply tell them; “I refuse to engage in an argument with you.”  Do not open your mouth after that.  No matter what.  Have no doubt that they will unleash their entire arsenal of hateful and offensive slander trying to bait you into battle, but do not acknowledge them. Just sit quietly and look away as they shriek and claw the air around them like a demon who’s been doused with holy water.  

Of course, there is a chance that this tactic of avoidance may escalate them to become physically violent.  If you feel you may be in danger, forgo this tactic and opt for the following:


Another highly effective method of losing victoriously is to wave the white flag the second the first shot is fired.  When the Narcissist is trying to place blame on you for something (because they never accept fault.  Never.) all you need  to shut them up and shut tbc32320cf8c4782af3ac81df0523b6c5hem down is to wholeheartedly agree.  For instance, one of my husband’s favorite means to enslave me was by not allotting me adequate funds to pay the bills and still purchase other basic necessities (though we had ample funds available) then micromanage our financial accounts and scrutinize my every purchase- an aspect of financial abuse.] Often he would say to me something to the effect of, “You’re incapable of staying on budget!” To which I would reply, “You’re right.”  You should have seen his face turn an inhuman shade of reddish-purple.  He would continue, trying to drag me into the fight; “You’re running us into the ground!”  Again, “You’re right.”  Smoke would billow from his eye sockets. “Aren’t you even concerned?!”  “Yes, I am.”  His body now convulsing with rage,”So what are you going to do about it?” to which I would politely answer, “Whatever you say, dear.”  And that was that. 

Sure, he would then go on to lecture me about all the ways I needed to shape up and fall in line.  All to which I would nod and agree.  That did not mean, of course, that I planned to follow through on any of the absurd things he just demanded of me, but it put a quick end to his game by handing him the victor’s crown straight out of the gate.

At first, choosing to lose to someone who is so clearly in the wrong may be a bitter pill to swallow.  But, I promise it will get easier and easier.  And, in the end, it is the only way for you exercise control over the situation while maintaining your sanity and self-respect.

So, my friend, should you find yourself in the unfortunate position of trying to reason with a Narcissist, don’t. Don’t give them the satisfaction of watching you fail. By assisting them to a swift victory, you come out the ultimate winner.

Happy losing,

P.S.  If you are just now joining me for my blog series The Subtle Slave, and would like to learn more about NPD and about my own personal experiences being married to a Narcissist, please check out my blog page Bittersweet Me.  If you would like to read more about the topics covered in this post, see the links below.

The Ten Commandments of Logical Debate

6 Signs You’re Arguing with a Narcissist

The Narcissist Blames You!

3 Reasons You Can’t Win with a Narcissist

The Subtle Slave: Big Little Lies


The 2-1/2 years since my divorce from a man with Narcissistic Personality Disorder have been a process of discovery.  The longer I am removed from the situation, the more clearly I am able to see just how unhealthy it was for both myself and my children.  While I was entrenched in the madness and the mind games I had become so numbed to the abuse that I viewed much of it as normal.  “All couples fight,” I thought. “It could be so much worse,” I told myself over and over again.  And since my ex was so masterful at manipulating reality and confounding my thought processes, I truly believed that much of what was happening to me was my own fault.

In order to protect my family from the scrutiny of outsiders, I became extremely adept at telling little lies.  I had learned from the best, after all.  I would sometimes lie to people who asked, “how’s your marriage?” or “are you okay?”, but mostly I learned to lie to myself.  I learned to justify every ‘off’ behavior, to excuse every damaging word, to cover up every sign of physical and emotional abuse, until both the abuse and the lies became just another normal everyday part of our existence…until I hardly recognized them at all.


I recently devoured a book by Liane Moriarty titled Big Little Lies.  It’s a work of fiction about the interconnected lives of three mothers of kindergartners. Besides hilariously depicting elementary school politics, Moriarty gives a very true-to-life account of the lies we tell to protect our families and ourselves.  One of the main characters, Celeste, finds herself, much like I did, justifying the abuse she endures.  Without spoiling the book for you, Celeste grapples with whether the good in her marriage outweighs the bad: is it worth destroying the family – namely the lives of the children – to expose what truly goes on behind closed doors.  If you have the time, I highly suggest reading it.  Or you could do like I did and download the audiobook.  But be forewarned: once you pick it up, it will be near impossible to put it back down.


Reading Celeste’s story sparked my own personal revelation about how I still find myself – albeit subconsciously – protecting and justifying the behaviors of my ex-husband and throwing myself under the bus for allowing it to continue as long as it did.  You see, I’ve been fearful that fully exposing their NPD father will create a horrific backlash on the lives of my children.  While I was able to divorce him, they were not – he still exerts manipulative control over them, poisoning their minds in reprehensible ways. And they are still too young to understand what the truth of the matter is (hell, I’m 44 and I’m still struggling to understand which of the thoughts rattling around in my head are true and which are fabrications planted there by a pathological narcissist!) But one thing I know for certain is that it is my responsibility to protect them and I can’t let my fears stand in the way of fighting for the physical and emotional well-being of my children.


Friends, if you are in a situation where you find yourself lying to cover up a potentially abusive relationship; if you find yourself justifying the bad behaviors because they aren’t as frequent as the good; if you are suffering in silence, or worse, allowing your children to suffer because you are afraid that the suffering will get worse if you stand up against it – don’t hesitate any longer!  Reach out to someone: a therapist, a doctor, an attorney, or anyone who is removed from the situation.  Tell them the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth about what is happening in your home.  While it’s important to have the support of friends and family, often they unknowingly impress on you obligations and guilt, and through their well-meaning can talk you into staying in a toxic relationship.  You need black and white counsel from someone without knowledge of the gray areas. Most importantly, stop making excuses.  Stop accepting the unacceptable.  Stop the circle of lies.

Much love,


P.S.  To read more about my story, see my other blog posts in the series entitled The Subtle Slave, or click here.

The Subtle Slave: Playing the Victim is Not the Same as Being a Victim


I have very low tolerance for people who play the victim. By playing the victim, I mean those who like to blame others for their misfortunes and refuse to take responsibility for their own poor choices. For example, I once dated a guy  who would play his victim card anytime he needed an excuse to justify his blatant stupidity. He showed up to work hungover: “It’s because my dad left when I was just a kid and I never had a good role model.” Or you could just not drink to excess on a weeknight…or ever. He received an eviction notice because he hadn’t paid his rent in months: “If my dad wouldn’t have abandoned me I’d have someone to help me.” Or you could not blow all of your money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets…and pay your bills instead. He had excessive ear wax buildup: “My f*ing dad never taught me to clean my ears.” Or you could ask yourself what are these fancy cotton-tipped swabs for?  Seriously, dude, own your sh*t.  The only thing he could partially justify placing on his deadbeat dad is where he peaked on the intelligence spectrum…education and environment can only do so much to combat the effects of inferior genetics.  Needless to say, that relationship didn’t last.


And so I am having a heck of a hard time writing this blog series.  The whole subject matter of having been in an abusive relationship makes me queasy.  I don’t like portraying myself as a victim.  I don’t like making a grand show of placing blame on the Narcissist for the ultimate demise of our marriage. After all, there are two sides to every story. I’m sure he could give you an earful of what I nightmare I was to be married to. In fact, I could give you that same earful, because, unlike my ex-boyfriend with the earwax issue, I own my sh*t.

Nevertheless, each time I sit down to write, I have to fight off my inner voice telling me to quit whining and move on and instead remind myself that telling my story serves a greater purpose, it is a means to reach out to others who need to experience healing in their lives. As I’ve said in both of my previous installments, my goal in writing the Subtle Slave series is to be a voice for those who are or have endured the abuse of a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  To do so, I have to perpetually encourage myself to step out of my comfort zone in order to do what needs to be done, even if it means that I am viewed as the very thing I despise – someone playing their victim card.

In this instance, putting myself in the limelight is a necessary evil in order to achieve a greater purpose. I’m not telling my story so that others might look at me with pity and say “You poor thing, you suffered through a lot.”  Firstly, that’s complete B.S.  While it’s true that my marriage was essentially a steaming pile of cow feces from the word GO, and that I felt miserable and trapped much of the time…I did not allow myself to suffer.  Suffering is a state of mind.  If I suffered, then I had let him get the best of me. So, except for short intervals when I was exceptionally exhausted from the fight or was otherwise hyper-emotional, I would talk myself through the pain.  I would frequently give myself pep talks: “You are strong, Kristin, don’t let him break you.”, “You are smart, Kristin, don’t buy into the lies he’s feeding you.”, and “You are brave, Kristin, you can stand up against him and protect yourself and your children.”  I wasn’t looking for others to run to my rescue. I would not allow myself to be a victim.

And yet I was.  No matter how much I convinced myself to be strong or smart or brave, my pep talks did nothing to stop his rapid-fire psychological warfare.  He was as equally determined to pierce me as I was to be impenetrable.  I could keep myself from playing the victim, yet I couldn’t prevent myself from being victimized.  Not until I got out.


Unlike normal, healthy relationships where allowing yourself to be vulnerable to the other person helps to create an environment of acceptance and increased intimacy, opening oneself up to a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder only serves to provide them with a storehouse of ammo that they can later use against you. It’s a double-edged sword: by withholding you cheat yourself out of the possibility of having an authentic loving relationship, but by lowering your guard you only invite more abuse.

Intellectually, I know that most humans don’t operate the way that persons with NPD do, so I am gradually learning to deprogram myself of the safety mechanisms I had put in place for my own sake of self-preservation.  I am retraining myself to trust others.  But I’ve got to tell you, it’s scary as hell. Anyone who’s suffered through an abusive relationship with a spouse, parent, boyfriend/girlfriend, sibling, etc. knows that once you’ve been damaged, it’s hard to smooth out the dents…and even if you manage to do so, you’ll never again be in show condition.

It’s been over two years since my divorce and I often still find myself in warrior mode, guard up, ready for battle. Deprogramming takes work and vigilance not to fall back into the old patterns of thought and behavior. If you are a victim, former or present, it is imperative to surround yourself with people who 1) believe your story, 2) allow you to tell it, and 3) allow themselves to be vulnerable with you as well.  Guarded people don’t help break down the barriers of guarded people. Nowadays my personal pep talks are something along the lines of: “It’s okay to trust, Kristin, your friends aren’t conspiring to hurt you.”, “It’s okay to be vulnerable, Kristin, your friends aren’t looking to prey on your weaknesses.”, “It’s okay to love, Kristin, your friends are capable of loving you back.”

I want to extend my deepest gratitude to those who have encouraged me to tell my story, as it inspires me to press onward with my mission.  And now that I have openly confessed my fear of being viewed as a buck-passer and an attention-seeker, I can move beyond yet another of my internal roadblocks. Now I can finally start to get down to the nitty-gritty of what it’s like to live with a person with NPD and share techniques that I have learned along the way to combat their abusive tactics.  So stay tuned, folks, because sh*t’s about to get real.

Love to all,


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P.S. If you are struggling to overcome your own victim identity, here are a few resources that may help…

Positivity Blog – How to Break Out of a Victim Mentality

Psychology Today – Emotional Abuse (Overcoming Victim Identity)

7-Mindsets: 7 Powerful Ways to Overcome the Victim Mindset


The Subtle Slave: IT.WAS.ABUSE.


Thanks to my beautiful and courageous friend, Britt Schaeffer, who’s poem about her experience with an abusive spouse inspired me to write my own…


Just because I was naïve. Just because I said yes at the altar. Does not mean it was his right. Does not mean it was not abuse.

Just because you don’t understand it. Just because you didn’t witness it with your own two eyes. Does not mean I made it all up. Does not mean it was not abuse.

Just because he claims to know Jesus. Just because “but he seems like such a nice guy.” Does not mean he wasn’t capable. Does not mean it was not abuse.

Just because he would say that he loved me. Just because he didn’t hit me often enough. Does not mean the threat wasn’t as real, the damage wasn’t as painful. Does not mean it was not abuse. 

Just because I stood up for myself. Just because I refused to go down without a fight. Does not mean I brought it on myself. Does not mean it was not abuse. 

 Just because every time I tried to tell you how bad it really was you told me I just needed to suck it up and try harder. Just because you didn’t believe my allegations. Does not mean it was all in my head. Does not mean it was not abuse. 

Just because in my desperation I made some poor choices. Just because I tried to find alternative means to escape. Does not mean that I didn’t give that relationship my all. Does not mean it was not abuse.

Just because I never could bring myself to leave. Just because, in the end, he was the one to leave me. Does not mean I wasn’t trapped. Does not mean it was not abuse.

Just because I have a resilient spirit. Just because I have found joy and peace in my life at long last. Does not mean I wasn’t abused.  IT.  WAS.  ABUSE. 

Although my poem was written with one specific person in mind (and if you are reading this, rest assured you are not that person), I know that many of our closest friends – friends that knew us both equally well – may have known our relationship was rocky, but had no inkling of what truly went on within the walls of our home. But how could they possibly know when, at the time, I didn’t fully understand it myself?

For most of my marriage, I couldn’t identify what was at the root of the constant turmoil. I knew our relationship wasn’t normal or healthy, but I was hesitant to label it as abusive. At the time, to the best of my knowledge, abuse came in four distinct flavors: physical, sexual, emotional and neglect.  What I was experiencing didn’t fit nicely into any of these categories.

He did lay hands on me in anger on three occasions over the 14+ years we were together. But because the aggression was infrequent, there was no reason for me to claim a pattern of physical abuse. Additionally, I was so entangled in his manipulation tactics that I actually thought I was to blame for the attacks. I had argued with him, somehow antagonized him, which in turn provoked him to hurt me. I was ashamed, not abused.

There were never any incidents of forced intimacy, so I certainly couldn’t profess to be sexually abused.  Although, I could write for days on the ways he would use my sexual performance as a means to threaten or otherwise try to control me.  That, my friends, is a whole different twisted ball of wax, but not abuse.

Thankfully, I had entered into our relationship with a solid sense of self-confidence and an unshakable assurance of my immense value in the eyes of God. Otherwise, the constant criticisms and belittling that began on our honeymoon and only grew in intensity over the duration of our marriage may have crushed me.  But because his barbs never had their intended effect – he would shoot, but they would ricochet right off my protective armor of truth – I had no right to claim that the attacks were emotional abuse.

Of course, neglect was definitely not a fit as he would never leave me the hell alone.  No matter how much I would beg him to give me some space, he would follow me around the house goading me until I snapped. When I would scream or slam doors he would tell me that I was out of control, that he was just trying to have a conversation, why couldn’t I talk things out like a rational person?  He tried his best to micromanage every facet of my life from my ability to work outside the home to every dollar I would spend, from my private interests to my personal faith in God. Of course, I bucked against this too.  I was not a Stepford wife with a golden remote control, I was a real human with the ability to think for herself. Still, there was never a time when he didn’t have me pinned tightly under his thumb. No, he certainly was not neglectful.

And so, it wasn’t until I was free from my marriage and the stronghold he had on my daily life, that I began to grasp the level of psychological abuse I had endured. Notice all of the wrong-thinking mentioned in the examples above.  The man hit me multiple times…that’s abusive.  He manipulated me sexually…that’s abusive.  He made a sport of trying to crush my spirit…that’s abusive.  He was relentlessly overbearing…that’s abusive.  But I was coerced into viewing it differently at the time.

All those years I had been brainwashed to believe that I was crazy, that my mind wasn’t functioning properly, and that I was mentally unstable (“You’re the one on ‘crazy pills’,” he would say). I was made to think that I was the toxic one in our relationship, that I was the one who was never satisfied. I was told over and over again that because I was not actively taking to heart the wisdom he was trying to instill in me through his countless lectures, that I was sabotaging our marriage. And by lectures, I mean lengthy diatribes where I was required to sit quietly and make proper eye-contact as he scolded me about my many shortcomings. These lectures were typically followed by his action plan for me to fix my inadequacies (note: He was never wrong, so it was always up to me to make the changes.)

Worse yet, he tried to convince me that God was displeased with me because I wasn’t being a dutiful and obedient wife. It is true that I would not blindly follow my husband’s orders: not out of obstinance (I truly desired to be respectful to his wishes) but because he regularly did and said things that blatantly contradicted Biblical teaching. He would claim I was a traitor because I questioned some of his decisions and his decision-making processes. I was vilified because I didn’t stand united with him as he “disciplined” our children in excessively cruel ways.  He often told me that he had been gifted with Godly wisdom, so it wasn’t necessary for his dictates to align with the Bible because both were directly from God.

Turns out, I wasn’t the crazy one after all.

Since our divorce, my health has notably improved and I have been able to ween completely off of two prescription medications I had been on for years: one an anti-depressant and the other a medication to control irregular heart palpitations.  Not surprisingly, by eliminating the main stressor in my life, my physiological symptoms were also eliminated.  My children have also thrived since the divorce.  Both their attitudes and school performances have improved.  They are no longer afraid to be imperfect because, for the first times in their lives, they are able to experience grace in their own home. Under my roof, they are allowed to follow their natural bent, not conform to their father’s every imposed choice for their lives. Where there used to be fear, there is now freedom.  Where there used to be trepidation, there is now joy.  The kids and I are finally able to go about our lives without having to constantly walk on eggshells around the Narcissist.  In many ways, it’s like we have been born again.



To read more about my experience being married to a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, see my blog series titled The Subtle Slave, or click here.

P.S.  If someone you know tries to confide in you that they are being abused, don’t write them off as being overly-dramatic. Just because it may be incomprehensible to you, does not mean it’s not happening. Listen. Love. Support.

For more information on how to deal with someone with NPD, check out the following resources:

Flourish After Emotional Abuse by a Narcissist: A Healing Guide to Transformation and Empowerment

Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare: How to De-Value and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself

Narcissistic Abuse: A to Z Narcissism and Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Open Letter to


The following is a letter I sent to customer service this evening…

Hello fun people at Zappos,

I wanted to let you know that for the first time in all the many years I’ve been a customer, I truly felt your company has let me down.

Today I intended to shop for women’s swim separates on your site because I knew you’d have a large selection to choose from. Lo and behold, I was correct. When I hit the button to browse through women’s swim bottoms up popped 1,091 items. Hooray! But my excitement was short-lived, because when I applied the ‘Plus Size’ filter to my search, all of a sudden those 1,091 items dwindled down to 10. That’s correct. You have exactly TEN items I can choose from for my size 18 derrière.

Let me tell you a little bit about myself, my Zappos friends… I am a beautifully well-proportioned woman. Although, technically, my BMI would land me somewhere in the ridiculously exaggerated catagory of ‘obese’, my size does not define my attractiveness. At age 43, I am extremely comfortable and confident with my body just the way it is and I enjoy prancing around in my bathing suit far more nowadays than I ever did nearly 30 years ago when I was a size 10 and had a socially-induced negative self image. Sadly, the powers that be at don’t think my shapely size-18 body deserves to be clothed as nicely as someone who wears a size 0-12.

Whether the above statement is representative of your company values or not, the proof is in the product selection. Don’t get me wrong, Zappos, I wasn’t expecting you to grant me an equal 1,091 plus-size options, this isn’t Bernie Sander’s America. But I did presume that at least 10% of your merchandise might be suitable for the nearly 40% of American women who are currently labeled as obese (according to …not less than 1% of your total products.  Any savvy businessman could see that you are severely limiting your sales by not providing for a larger segment of the population (pun very much intended).

This incident makes me sad. Sad that I’ll have to take my business elsewhere – for lack of options, not for lack of interest. And sad that a company that I had grown to trust, whose praises I had sung to others, has shown me that they don’t care much for me…or for anyone who isn’t what the media deems to be the ideal size.

With sincere disappointment,

Kristin Williams (AKA 204lbs of Loveliness)

The Subtle Slave: Life with a Spouse with Narcissistic Personality Disorder


For the past year I have had this grand idea that I would blog about my experience being married to a person with NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder).  The problem is that every time I sit down to write about the topic I hit a wall.  It’s not writer’s block, per se, as I have a truckload of information and episodes just waiting to make their way to the page.  If anything, my problem is the opposite.  I want the blog series to be thorough, covering all of the bases of what it’s like to feel trapped in this kind of relationship.  I want to be a light in the fog to those who aren’t familiar with the disorder and a beacon of hope to the men and women who have or are currently being abused by someone with NPD. But with so much important material to cover, I am at a loss where to begin. The task seems both monumental and without end.

Worse yet, even if I were to find an organized way to relay all of the material to you, I don’t know that you’d believe me.  Not because you think me a liar, but because the kind of inhumane behavior I would be exposing does not compute within the context of the average human experience.  It would be like trying to describe an alien abduction to someone who doesn’t believe aliens exist. You will find it extremely difficult to accept that a seemingly innocuous human being could be so disturbingly duplicitous and still function successfully within society.  And I wouldn’t blame you. Your doubt would be rational.  But NPD is anything but rational.  And that is why I couldn’t wrap my brain around it either…until I experienced it firsthand.

Part of the baffling conundrum is that persons with NPD are chameleon-like in nature. They have an uncanny ability to adapt to their surroundings, putting on whatever persona will best win the favor of their current audience.  Not unlike sociopaths, persons with NPD are typically highly intelligent individuals.  Although they lack the ability to empathize or identify with other persons, they are gifted in their ability to fit in with the crowd and mimic appropriate actions and responses.  They can give academy award winning performances for “normal” and “decent” behavior that could fool even the toughest critic.  But it is all an act.  A ruse.  A long-con.

That’s why I fell for it.  That’s how he was able to manipulate me into dating then marrying him. He targeted me because I exhibited the characteristics that persons with NPD look for: I was popular and well-liked (ie: I was an excellent showpiece for his collection), I was bright and had connections (ie: I was an important tool for his personal advancement), I was easy-going (ie: I would bend to his will and be excessively tolerant of his bullsh*t), I was selfless (ie: I would give and give and give of myself long after he sucked me dry), and I had high moral integrity (ie: I would choose to honor my commitment to him even to my own detriment.)

He put on quite a show of courting me.  He said all the things he knew would win my heart, though they were just lies on top of lies on top of more lies. In hindsight, there were certain things about him that I couldn’t quite put my finger on at the time, things that seemed “off”.  But, because my brain wasn’t able to reconcile the delicately complex contradictory behaviors I was witnessing (and because outwardly he appeared to have all of the qualities I wanted in a husband) I foolishly elected to assume I was misreading the red flags.  I gave him the benefit of the doubt.  I chose to believe that he was everything he claimed to be.

Thus began my life as the subtle slave.

In the coming months, I will try my best to present my story with the least amount of bias I can muster (although, c’mon, how exactly does one remain perfectly neutral in their own story?)  I will share with you what I discovered from my personal research, what I  experienced firsthand, and what lessons I learned the hard way. I will list resources and I will try to answer any questions you pose.  And I promise that I’ll do my best to help expose this subtle yet soul-crushing form of abuse without playing the victim.  Because, honestly, the last thing I want is to be pitied.  What I truly want is to educate and empower others.

Here’s to the painful process of enlightenment!  – Kristin


P.S.  If you are the victim of an NPD abuser, know this: though you may be kept in isolation, you are not alone.  Though you may lose every battle, you can survive the war.  You have the strength to escape their snare and the power to rebuild your life.  God and I have faith in you!

For more information about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, see the following resources:

Mayo Clinic: Narcissistic Personality Disorder – Understanding Narcissistic Personality Disorder

PBD Central – The Hallmarks of Narcissistic Personality Disorder





The Golden Lemonade Rule

sad lemonade

I keep spare change in a small compartment in my car. It is reserved for the express purpose of tipping the baristas at the drive-thru coffeehouse and for buying lemonade. Without exception, when I spot a child-run lemonade stand (or whenever a kid has drawn up a poster advertising items for sale) I stop and I buy. I don’t always want lemonade.  In truth, I rarely do. Often my new purchase is later pitched into the trash.  It doesn’t matter. My desire for the product plays no part in my decision to stop and purchase it.  For I am obliged to a higher calling, The Golden Lemonade Rule.

The Golden Lemonade Rule is this: Do unto the child at that lemonade stand as you would have had every car that passed you by while you were the child with high hopes and over-watered kool-aid do unto you.  In other words, stop and buy the damn lemonade.  And do it with a smile and a word of praise to the young entrepreneurs.  It’s an exercise in empathy. One that takes such little effort on our part but makes such a positive impact in the life of that child.

Last week some neighborhood children hosted a bake sale to benefit our city’s homeless. They had labored over their wares and their set up. Their pride for the endeavor shone in their twinkling eyes. I stopped, of course, to purchase a treat for myself and a few extras to share with my children. In the short time I was at their table selecting from all the goodies they had laid out, a few other cars drove by. Each time the children would see a car approaching they would flag their signs and break into a little ditty they had written and rehearsed for the occasion. It was precious to watch. What wasn’t precious to observe was when the drivers of these other cars would wave at the children but drive on by, or worse, pretend not to notice them at all. I would watch their sweet faces fall with each passing car. All that enthusiasm dashed by someone who, with minimal effort, could have made those children quite literally jump for joy.

Maybe you’ve been the driver of one of those cars.  Maybe you’ve waved at those kids but felt no compulsion to stop at their sale.  It wasn’t your intention to dash their spirits, you just had other things on your mind.  That’s reasonable. But I’d like to challenge you to step outside of yourself for a moment, for this is where the exercise in empathy comes into play. Empathy is nothing more than trying to view a given situation from another party’s perspective.  In this instance I would ask you to take a brief moment to think back to when you were a child. Think about when you hosted a lemonade stand or a bake sale or went door to door to solicit for school or sports fundraisers or any number of childhood endeavors where you relied on the generosity of adults. Think about how disheartening it was to be told “No” time and again, and likewise, how overjoyed you were when someone made a purchase or a pledge.  

But what if empathy just doesn’t come naturally to you? Maybe you never hosted a lemonade stand or the like. Maybe you were never in a position to rely on the generosity of adults. Maybe you never were a child at all; maybe you were born a high-strung forty-year-old with a mortgage, a dead-end job, and no soul…although that’s highly unlikely.  Or maybe, just maybe, somewhere between birth and present day you lost that childhood wonder, that lust for life that keeps us young at heart. No matter if you’re an old curmudgeon or just oblivious, there is virtually no excuse for not adhering to The Golden Lemonade Rule.

You don’t have proper change?  Give the kid a twenty and blow their little mind!  A few bucks on an unplanned expense isn’t going to be the tipping point that lands you in the poor house.  You’re running late to work?  The additional 60 seconds that it takes to hand over your change and grab a cup of lemonade isn’t going to lose you your job. You’re rushing someone to the hospital because they’ve severed a limb or are actively birthing a baby?  Okay, you get a free pass. But hit the lemonade stand on the way home!

For the price of a couple quarters and only a few of the 86,4oo seconds out of your day, you can prolong a child’s innocence and allow them to believe in the goodness of humanity for a little while longer. And, as it is with The Golden Rule, The Golden Lemonade Rule does not solely benefit the receiver, but the giver also gains in equal measure. For each time we exercise our heart, it grows stronger.  And as our heart grows stronger, our perception of the world is illuminated. 

So the next time you see a child standing by the roadside, waving and smiling, the ice in their lemonade pitcher long ago melted from hours sitting out in the warm summer sunshine, Stop.  Buy.  Make the world a better place.  The kind of place you yourself would like to live in.  The kind of place where life doesn’t just hand kids lemons, but it buys their lemonade.